"There's no place like home." -Wizard of Oz
I don't think it's any coincidence that my grandma Bette used to call me Toto. I didn't even realize the significance of this nickname until I started writing this post. I can clearly remember wearing my own pair of little red glitter shoes, closing my eyes and tapping my heels together wishing I could transport myself to a place I felt like I belonged.
Could the Wizard of Oz really just be the most beautifully told story of how to find home inside ourselves? I'll probably explore this is a VLOG one day soon.
Today a realization came to me during a yoga class so aptly named "Ignite Your Alchemy" lead by the amazing Alexa Silvaggio at pure yoga. This deep, dark, longing for the feeling of home has been with me not only since birth but past down through lineage. I have been living in what I can only describe as a nightmare. Feeling of being forever lost and trying to find my way home.
Now let's pause and back it up to earlier in the morning... Now I see it was no coincidence that right before class I accidentally opened my Metaphysical Anatomy book to the "jaundice in new born" page? I skimmed the paragraph "While in utero, the baby may have sensed there were many challenges in store after birth... Old traumas from the ancestry line all triggered in a new generation" Whoa.
After an intense emotional release I had in yoga class I immediately remembered an astrology reading I had with John Marchesella earlier this year and went searching for the recording.
John describes my lostness by the planets sitting at the bottom of my chart in his exact words "The home that u live in. The home that u come from. Your home on the face of the earth. Your existence. Your roots as a human being"
My lostness clearly isn't just about my desire for having a sick NYC pad. I mean whoa! Can I give myself a break now for the way I've been frantically grasping on whatever source of supposed stability was placed in front of me?! What if you felt like you never had a place to go to that felt like home.
Now that I understand the gravity of this trauma leading back to my ancestors I can take a step back.
I Forgive myself. I was simply doing the best I could.
I am grateful for the strength I have built.
I've now learned this home I seek is inside of me.
I will remind myself daily with every meditation and every prayer.
Just like Dorothy's nightmare of being lost, and waking up to finding she's been home all along.
I am grateful for this knowing. And I forgive myself for not learning this sooner.