Tucking ourselves in

Tucking ourselves in

There is a bedtime ritual for children which we all can remember. We know this ritual if we have children of our own, nieces or nephews, or babysitting duties. Some of us might just remember it from our own childhood.

The ritual could involve a warm bottle, a security blankie-- or maybe a stuffed animal with only one eye. The younger the child is, the more accepting we usually are of these objects.

So what happens when the child grows up? Those childhood coping mechanisms which are supposed to protect us from monsters don't always go away. In fact, I’d say they rarely go away. Certainly not on their own. What happens when the bottle, blankie, or bear becomes food, alcohol (still a bottle) or co-dependency?

“I’m a big kid now, I don’t need a blankie... I just need a glass of wine and some meaningless sex before going to bed-- followed by a midnight snack or three.”

This seemed to have been theme last week. I had several friends talk to me about a common dating dilemma. 

“I know he’s not right for me but it really sucks to just end it for no reason.” (BTDubs that’s not a “for no reason”. If you know he’s not right for you--THAT’S a reason.)

I myself have been there, but as I listened to my friends and empathized with them that’s when I realized what was going on. I immediately saw the images of *bottle*, *blankie*, *bear*. 

We find ourselves in a situation where we are with “not-the-right-guy-for-me” but there’s just that tiny little bit of comfort in “not-the-right-guy-for-me.” But he’s only got one eye and possibly missing limbs but he keeps the monster of loneliness away--or so we think. 

We keep him around because it’s comfortable and quite frankly because we’re honestly just being childish. Is that too harsh? 
Childish? Immature? Maybe just wanting to hold onto that innocence of puppy love. We might want to consider that it’s time we acknowledge that we’ve grown up just a little bit.

Ok. How do we acknowledge that we’ve grown up just a little bit?

#Adulting. No one said it would be easy. 

We realize that the blankie gave us comfort from imaginary monsters. As soon as we stopped believing in monsters the blankie went away. We can go through the oh-so-fun-and-happy-process (sarcasm font) of identifying which imaginary monsters we still believe in--and that we believe “not-the-right-guy-for-me” is going to protect us from.

Let's get right to it! What are these monsters? 

-Dying alone. (Might as well jump straight to the big one?)
-No one cares for me.
-I’m not good enough.
-Going on “Golden Girl’s Bingo-Night-Out” with Rose, Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia.
-The Dreaded Clock. Not having kids.
I must say that not having kids with “not-the-right-guy-for-me” is probably a good thing. Scratch that, a great thing. (Unless your karmic-contract was written otherwise... discussion for another time!) 

Maybe these aren’t imaginary monsters. Cuz they feel so fucking real. 

Let’s say these monsters are real. A blankie named “not-the-right-guy-for-me” isn’t going to do shit against a real monster.

So if those monsters are real then we need to find the right companions to face them down. Here’s an idea! The right companions to face them are you and yourself. Once you've established that, you may find yourself making much better choices in men just as a byproduct!

Now, to the valuable importance of ceremony and ritual. Acknowledging the role the security blankie played isn’t unjust. Maybe fold the blankie up and put it into a special keepsake box, to look back at with fond memories. Maybe give the beaten up bear an actual burial in the backyard. We don’t have to just toss these things into the trash, they served a purpose. Here we go with the astrology woo-woo Today's Full Super Moon Taurus is urgin’ for a purgin’, so release what no longer serves you!

Create a parting ceremony for “not-the-right-guy-for-me”. And no, please don't send him a iCal invite to this, He does not have to know about the inner workings of your heart. Just acknowledge the spot he filled in your life. 

-Maybe he was there to show you how easily love can be found?
-Did he remind you of your self worth? 
-What if he pulled you out of the "woe-is-single-me" and pulled you into the vibrational frequency of love and gratitude in order to match with your next relationship? 

Whatever the case may be acknowledge that you want to grow up, crawl into bed, tuck yourself in and go to sleep confident that you have faced the monsters and they no longer exist.


Tovah Avigail Weingarten